People pleasers have good intentions when they take on the burden of trying to make someone feel better. We truly just want to help and to offer our own wellbeing and happiness as a resource. After all, wouldn’t the world be a better place if we could keep people from getting depressed in the first place? But not only is this endless output exhausting for the one doing all the work, it also limits the other person from developing the skills to cultivate their own emotional health. Happiness takes effort and action, and if we believe it is our job to make the other person happy, and we take too much responsibility for their wellbeing, we may actually be leaving them in worse shape.

Dr. Cindy navigates a difficult personal journey as her abusive ex prepares to move out of state and leave her alone with their daughter. She shares practical skills for meeting crisis and upheaval with self-compassion and how she is trying to parent as gracefully as possible through this toxic transition. He is not leaving quietly. This week, he has managed to hook me by yanking our daughter’s heart around, discussing his departure plans, rehashing old conflicts and blaming me for his failure to make ends meet here, and promising that he’ll never leave her all in the same breath. She came back from her last visit with him angry and claiming to be “depressed,” and as a result, I’ve spiraled into my own habitual patterns of over-eating, ruminative thinking, and sleeplessness. Because he is a time thief, he is dragging out the long goodbye, spreading the heartache over months, keeping me prisoner, rather than just ripping off the bandaid the way I wish he would. Please, just go away and leave us alone.

Why do we compromise ourselves to belong?

Have you ever gone back to a romantic relationship or friendship that you know isn’t healthy for you? How can we help survivors break free from trauma bonds with their abusers, acknowledge the reality of the abusive behaviors that can keep them trapped, and survive the withdrawal period long enough to get to safety?

Trauma bonding is a phenomenon where people who are being abused become empathetic towards and emotionally enmeshed with their abuser, and this can keep people locked into abusive relationships, feeling like they cannot leave because they “love” this person. This episode discusses the neural processes in our brain that keep us locked into toxic relationships, and offers practices and interventions from neuroscience to support breaking the cycle of addiction to unhealthy relationships, just like we can work with any other destructive habit we wish to change.

My friend was ready to give up on herself, when she texted me a picture of the bruises on her neck from where her abuser choked her. In having the courage to ask for help, she was able to recognize that her self-hatred was keeping the door open to being abused. In reaching out for support, she gave her wounded and avoidant parts the message that she actually did deserve safety and care. She then found the strength to finally stand up for herself, and put an end to the cycle of violence.

Protecting my right to peace, motherhood, and wellbeing has been a long, difficult journey. In this episode, I’ll explore the path of reclaiming my mental real estate in the face of ongoing harassment, and developing skillful responses to emotional abuse and threats to my belonging. Tune in to find out how to interrupt the cycle of co-dependency and take back your right to have your own experience of being human, without having to become small, compromise yourself, or be a bandaid to another's gaping emotional wounds.

If you’re experiencing emotional abuse, compromising yourself in order to meet the emotional needs of someone else, or if you’re enabling someone else’s depression or mental illness, there are a few manageable things you can do to interrupt the cycle of co-dependency.

Before I blocked communication with my ex-husband, he texted and emailed me multiple times a day blaming me for his unhappiness and anger.

Eight years after our divorce, these messages are still coming, even in response to simple logistical questions like “can you pick up our daughter from school.” His constant harassment and the way he jabs at my abandonment wounds invades my thoughts and keeps me awake at night. His accusations even make me short-tempered with my daughter, which breaks my heart, because all I’ve ever wanted was to be the mom I didn’t get to have.

Get to know yourself and your attachment story. How does your childhood experience of belonging in the world play out in your adult relationships?

This first episode offers preliminary practices for developing a caring and kind relationship with yourself as the foundation for healing attachment wounds. Using simple grounding and resourcing exercises, you’ll be invited to welcome yourself to belong where you already are, and to engage your senses to support regulating your nervous system.

Cynthia also shares some trauma-sensitive mindfulness strategies that support working with intrusive thoughts, reclaiming your mental real estate, and retraining your attention to stay with your own present moment experience.